Wow I feel pretty good today! Mother's Day was yesterday and the final day of an epic 3 day migraine (Because sleep evaded me) I'm putting together envelopes of cards to give to my Mom and MIL. And I've just done my makeup for the first time in week!
My mother calls and is coming to pick up a few things from us. So we all wait outside. I banged the shit out of my bad shoulder trying to hand her some things I had forgotten. I ignore the burning pain because I don't want anyone to see. Once she leaves my 5 year old is excited to be outside and asks to explore the woods. "Sure!" I say "Just let me put on sneakers!"
As we begin our exploration it is rocky and I am afraid I might fall. Liam (my son) walks ahead of me talking about pandas and bamboo. I focus on my steps. I am hyper aware of each rock, each branch, each step. Don't fall. Don't trip.
The rock bed ends and I relax. I stop staring at my feet. I stop focusing on where and how I step. I start to hold hands with my little boy. Within 2 minutes I fall, yanking my sweet son down with me. I start checking on him and frantically apologizing. He keeps insisting "It's okay Momma, I'm okay" I'm sorry, I'm so sorry love. "It's okay, It's okay" he tells me. Two scraped knees. My fault. Fuck this. I brought band aids I tell him. "No" he said "Let's keep going" Okay let's go. Pull yourself together woman. I get up and start moving. I'm hyper aware again. He wants to hold my hand and I have to say no I don't want to make you fall again. This sucks.
Sometimes I have to lift him up. Over things he's too small to step over. I'm afraid every time that I'm going to fall. I don't.
We finally reach the "lake" which is really just a hilly area with a marsh for rain runoff. Trying to get to the other side I fall again. He doesn't notice so I quickly pull myself up. "Let's sit over there" I say. He keeps asking me to play on the hill with him. I have to say no. I'm afraid I will fall.
Soon his brother joins us and we go off to explore the other side of the woods. We find a creek. I feel happy. It reminds me of childhood. I don't want to risk slipping on the bank.
I hold Liam's hand as he slowly descends. Fuck here we go. My body drops like a ragdoll without warning. I fall down the bank. I pull as hard as I can so he falls into me instead of further down the hill. Fuck. This.
Cameron (my older son) asks me if I'm okay. "Oh yeah I'm fine buddy!" I lie. Liam is okay and I feel a wave of relief. Then shame. I'm covered in mud. I decide to just stay where I am (in the mud) and take pictures of the newly discovered creek.
My youngest is stomping through the water. I feel happy. My oldest comes up the bank to find a perfect rock to throw in. He makes a giant splash that covers his brother. Liam is happy. I let them play in the creek until Liam falls and gets soaked. Time to go home.
On the short walk home I fall again. I'm walking behind my sons and jump up so they don't see.
When we arrive home I am both upset and relieved. I decide to do the muddy laundry so I can tell my husband what happened without worrying the kids. In the laundry room I'm bending down to pick up more laundry. Whenever I stand back up I stumble and have to grab on to the support beam in front of me. (Did I mention bending down when you have chiari fucking sucks?) Each time I bend down I get a searing pain in the back of my head. Then I stand up and almost fall. Over nothing. My feet are flat on the concrete floor. My husband reaches for me. I snap at him "I already pulled Liam down twice! If I hold onto you I will make you fall!"
I almost burst into tears. Now I'm holding onto the washer for dear life because I feel so dizzy. My husband steps towards me again and I snap at him AGAIN. Please don't touch me because if you touch me I will definitely cry. I compose myself and tell our sons I am tired from our adventures. I need to lay down.
We are upstairs together now. My supportive husband and I. And I can't control my sadness any longer. I burst into tears as he embraces me. I start bawling. "It's not fair" I cry. "It's not fucking fair! I'm going to be like this forever! Nothing can fix me! All that pain, all those surgeries and trauma for NOTHING! It's just getting worse! This is not fair! I'm so fucking young!" I bawl and scream and he just holds me and tells me it's going to be alright. I'm so lucky to have him. I shouldn't have put on makeup.
Once I'm slightly calm I call my mother for more comfort. She makes me feel better. I cuss more than I should. I keep repeating this sucks, this is bullshit. I make an inappropriate joke.
We laugh. I feel better.
Fuck leisurly strolling in the woods.
Fuck Chiari.
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